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2 am thoughts

Took a road trip with my two oldest kids this month. With Covid, it was different. Not different bad, just different. In Colorado, masks or face coverings were required to enter pretty much everywhere, including restaurants (you could take them off once you got to your table.) In South Dakota, it was your personal choice. Some pools were open and some weren't. Only 1 hotel, in Nebraska, kept the hot buffet but had it served by a staff member rather than self serve. Most hotels switched to grab n go, danishes, fruit, granola bar and water. We went to a couple new places and many we'd been before. Had a lot of down time in the hotels which I know my daughter preferred. I guess that's what a vacation is, resting/relaxing. Weird that we've never done that before. I've always had day long driving and then places to go and things to do, always going, going, going. Perhaps this was the perfect year to slow the eff down.

I'm not once to mince words. My blogs are about my real life; no fluff. I rarely go back to read them after the day I post them. When I do, I see all the signs and gather insight and move on. In my life right now, I am dealing with relationships, specifically the one with myself. In my last blog I talked about choosing myself and not really knowing what that meant. For years, I had always chosen others, putting their needs in front of my own. Some could say that's because I'm a parent and that's what parents do. I don't discredit that. I will say that I chose others beyond my kids, saying yes to events I didn't want to attend, putting on a smile when someone dropped by and I was not in the mood, etc. I had no personal boundaries.

I'd get invited to go somewhere and while I didn't really want to go, I would. I would go out of fear of what people would think/say if I didn't. I would go because that's what I would expect that friend to do. I would go because I lacked self respect, bottom line. Please say no to things and don't worry what anyone else thinks. I get that it's easier said than done when you're carrying emotional baggage from your past but do it anyway. Don't feel guilty about not going to Suzy's birthday party, or Becky's all night drinking party. If you don't want to go, don't. The need to please others should not outweigh your own needs. So what if all you're going to do is lay on the couch and binge Netflix. Maybe you've been waiting to catch up with your favorite show. No judgment here. I've done similar things.

We get so wrapped up in what other people think of us and take things so personal that we've thrown our own needs out the window. Doesn't seem fair does it? Yet we do it every day. It's time to take back your power and take better care of yourself. How do you do that? Excellent question that I'm not sure I have the perfect answer for.

I am learning how to choose myself which is proving to be more difficult than I thought. While having a discussion with my husband last night, I had to say to myself not to be the wounded child. I wanted to lash out and blame and say "you, you, you" but the reality is it's "me, me, me" and how I react to things. Does he have faults? Of course. We all do. I'm learning that I cannot change him or his habits or his trauma or even force him to deal with his own emotions. I am solely responsible for my own habits, healing my own past traumas, and my own emotions.

I had been asking spirit to help me talk to him because I knew I needed it. I know that my emotions call in the bouncer (anger) whenever I feel volatile. It's easier to project my shit on him (or anyone else for that matter) rather than actually accept it and try to heal from it. Well, I asked and they helped. Use a calm voice instead of a loud, blaming one. Ask open ended questions that invoke thought and not knee jerk responses like yes or no. Articulate your own thoughts and be gentle, not only with others but especially with yourself. Be a good listener. If the other is silent, ask him/her to articulate the emotions s/he is experiencing. For my husband, he's prone to silence and head shaking. Listen, I'm psychic but I'm not a mind reader for the love!

While it wasn't a perfect conversation, I was proud that I made it through mostly without raising my voice or using a blaming tone. Nothing was resolved the way I see it but we shall try again.

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