January 20, 2020 - I don't know what it is but I'm going through some shit right now. I'm hoping the sludge I'm muddling through in my mind is real healing and not just seasonal affective disorder but I guess we'll find out.
It's been a couple of days of straight bullshit to be honest. And I feel like no one understands and that I can't talk to anyone about it. Literally have tears welling up just even typing that. I'm fine with being alone so that's not it. I'm just really struggling with like minded, energy connection, type people right now.
It feels like a chore to be around certain people because I don't match them energetically. It's not their fault and the last thing I want is for someone to take it personal. I just can't people right now is the best way to say it. Not sure I can social media right now either but here I am. This is my group and I started it for exactly this reason: to talk about real shit.
I clearly have an issue with being ok with other people being uncomfortable. I mean, I have more issues than that it's just the one that's at the forefront right now I guess. I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for how others process information. I can give the best advice about exactly these types of situations yet struggle to do it my damn self!
I'm hopeful that this too shall pass. Hopefully, sooner rather than later. I literally fucking hate this feeling!!! When I figure out how to process it out I'll be back and more positive. For now, I'll be lurking at best. ☮️💟
January 21, 2020 -
Here I am again. Still struggling to "people" as I call it. I have some amazing work friends though that forced me to people which led to me crying a ton. Sometimes you just have to cry it out I guess.
We talked about alcoholism, PTSD, food addiction, worthlessness, and self sabotage which are all highly relevant in my life right now. I explained some things that have been going on (that'll have to be a blog post on my website soon) and having someone who understands my world (even without understanding my spiritual world entirely) means everything to me.
When I think of alcoholism, I come from a long line of alcoholics, sadly. We all cope somehow and for many alcohol was the drug of choice. My vice just happens to be food. There is a memory from my childhood that is disturbing me though in regards to alcoholism. It surrounds my grandfather and his friends and all I know for sure is that there was something dark that happened for me with one of those friends. Whether that was a comment or a touch is unclear. That is my first memory surrounding alcohol and there are many. Lord help me while I dive deeper into that muddied water.
So while I continue to try to make sense out of my life and why I cycle through things, it's nice to know that even though I don't want to interact much that I have friends who are always waiting in the wings and cheering for me. We all need and deserve cheerleaders in our life. It doesn't matter if they are near, far, or in heaven. Recognize that there is always someone cheering for you. And to those who have reached out privately, thank you. I need space right now to just feel and work through this. I will be back up to my usual sassy shenanigans soon☮️💟
January 22, 2020 - I said in yesterday's post that I would write a blog about what has been going on so here I am. My husband and I are both addicts. There's the truth, however painful. He chose alcohol and I chose food but we are both addicts in our own right. I used to think that I could change him and that if he loved me enough, wanted our family enough, etc. that he would stop. That was part of the reason our marriage failed the first time around, well, that and other reasons.
We both have cycles to our addiction. Generally, he just drinks a glass or two to unwind which is no different to me than a woman who drinks wine every night or someone who has a couple beers. Generally, I eat within a normal range and eat only one serving of items. And then there are times when we both overindulge and give in to the addiction.
For anyone that thinks food addiction is not real, I wholeheartedly disagree with you. This is how the disagreement with my husband started. We've been watching a lot of TLC and they have a show about someone overweight preparing for weight loss surgery. One of the women was overeating after the doctor told her she must lose a certain amount in order to qualify for surgery. My husband made a comment that if the doctor told him to not eat something, he would just have a bite and not eat anymore. And that's where I was triggered.
I did not raise my voice but I did tell him that was unfair as he's never had a food addiction. I told him that we are both addicts, him addicted to alcohol and I addicted to food. I explained that what was happening for her was comparable to me allowing him only a sip of alcohol and then telling him he couldn't have anymore. I wanted him to understand in his world what that meant and how difficult it might be. But I didn't stop there. I went on to say (as he was starting a rebuttal) that if he thought he didn't have an addiction problem he was mistaken. I have no issue if he wants to drink but I definitely don't handle "sloppy" very well (where he drinks in excess and ends up drunk, loud, and just generally obnoxious). I hit his truth or too close to it and he got angry and immediately left the room. This is also part of the cycle.
He avoids his triggers and I do the same thing. He runs away and I turn to food. God, I feel sick just typing that. There is so much pain in me that I just shove down with food. And there is also pain in me associated with alcohol and I touched on my first memory on my January 21st post.
I figured out while discussing with my daughter what the darkness was in my first memory of alcohol as a young girl. That man that was drinking with my grandpa (side note my grandpa was an alcoholic as well) had a dark soul or practiced black magic. It was dark and that I was certain of which is why my knee jerk reaction was a comment or a touch because that's what it felt like, only now I know that's what it felt like to my soul. If you know anything about me, you'll know that I saw spirit for the first time (or my first memory of it) when I was four years old. I have no idea how old I am in this alcohol scenario but I would imagine I couldn't have been much older. I have a feeling that my grandpa's mother was still alive and she died when I was a child.
Thinking of that first memory makes me associate alcohol as dark and negative. Not that I'm completely off base there considering for some people it is exactly that. That man was sloppy drunk, laughing with his mouth open with some missing teeth, and it feels similar to looking right at someone's demon. It's not frightening to recall but I can imagine as a young child what that must have been like. I would compare it to not wanting to be around certain people because they have a negative impact on you, whether they are just straight assholes or they are psychic vampires, draining the energy right out of you.
So the first memory that I can recall with alcohol kind of sucks. My grandfather was an alcoholic, severely. He stayed in the bar mostly all day, coming home to nap and maybe eat and then returning to the bar until evening. My father was also an alcohol but a rather high functioning one. He maintained full time employment but drank beer like someone would soda or water. I have family members that I am confident are also high functioning alcoholics. My first husband had issues with alcohol and so does my current. I have had issues with food my entire life so I am no better.
I used to be afraid to say that I had issues or that my husband did and perhaps that is part of the reason I keep cycling in and out of this pattern. I couldn't admit it because I was embarrassed. I was worried what people would think of my choices in regards to food and men. I cannot make excuses for myself or anyone else for that matter. I need to face my own demons so I can move forward, regardless of whether it takes a month or a year to get over.
I do know that I love my husband immensely. He saved my soul in more ways than one. He is an extremely hard worker and family oriented, just as my friend said about her husband in my Facebook group. I have punished my husband for the disappointment I still carry in regards to both the male role models I had in life. This cycle I live in makes me feel disappointed by my husband and leads me to self sabotage. It's really quite sickening and exhausting.
I'll continue to write and pour my heart out, exposing my truth layer by layer. I hope that someone out there reading these words can relate and understand s/he is not alone. I've felt alone in this mental hell for years! I've felt unworthy, unloved, and ashamed for most of my life and I desperately need to break the cycle for my own health. There will undoubtedly be people who will judge and have negative things to say along the way. Be warned; you can't hurt someone that is no longer ashamed of her story. ☮️💟