Guys, I come to you on Christmas with a heavy heart. Today I realized that my husband is still drinking. If you're part of my group, you know that the last update was that he was still sober as of the 20th. Now, I don't really know if that was accurate.
He told me he would prove to me that he could do this. I gave him the information for a new doctor that speaks his native language. I told him to call. I wasn't going to call for him. One, I am not his parent and he's a grown ass man. Two, I am not enabling. This would be the first lie he told when I asked him if he called. His answer was they were closed. I wasn't expecting to be lied to and I was caught off guard. I really thought that I gave him poor information or that the clinic this doctor worked for was seriously closed. Imagine my frustration when there was no phone call to said doctor.
Still, I forged on. I let him know that I knew he didn't call the doctor. He didn't even try to defend himself and it would have been worse if he did. I told him he could always make an appointment with my shaman and he said he wanted to. Well, color me shocked because I never thought in a million years THAT would happen. He asked me to make an appointment for him. This, I did as I am the only one of us that communicates with her. His first appointment was on Tuesday, December 22nd. He was gone a couple hours. When he got home I was busy. When I came upstairs I simply asked how she was and he said good. I asked if he had another appointment and he said yes. That was the end of that. She sent me a message and said when she had some time she would call me as he told her she could "absolutely" share their session information with me. She said it was a beautiful healing and she was so happy that he opened up to her. To date, we haven't had that discussion.
I must tell you that like it or not, I marked all the liquor bottles in our home. He would not dump them out and obviously I didn't trust him or I wouldn't have marked them. There had already been some questionable behavior from him so I needed to make sure everything was ok. There was a huge gallon bottle of wine in our cupboard. I marked it one night and it was dark. When I checked it a few days later, it was lower. I told myself that I must not have marked it correctly and placed another dot on the label where the alcohol line was. This morning when I went to get a bowl out of that cupboard I was seriously pissed to find that alcohol was missing. All this time he SWORE he wasn't drinking and I would tell him how proud of him I was and it was all a fucking lie!!
I cried. Right there in the middle of the kitchen while making breakfast. I had been taken for stupid and that is my ultimate pet peeve. So whenever this was taking place, he was hiding with it...somewhere. He definitely wasn't putting this huge bottle to his lips in the kitchen. He had to have been pouring it into a cup and going to the garage or something. I was kissing his forehead a lot and never once smelled any remnants of alcohol either and we all know what red wine smells like.
I woke my boys up for Christmas so they could open gifts. He never got out of bed. Different year, same shit. Most years he was too hung over to get up by 9 am. While he wasn't hung over that I am aware of, he still refused to participate in Christmas. He believes in the holiday so that is not an excuse. I no longer sign his name to the gifts either since he never even knows what they got. And with that I'm crying, right now, while typing this. My children...my poor children. What the hell must they be thinking? The only thing they know for sure is that their mom loves them. I am always there for them no matter what. I'm so disappointed right now.
So he finally gets up and comes to make coffee. That gallon bottle is on the counter next to his coffee pot. He says nothing. I'm the only one sitting in the kitchen at the counter just staring at him. I said nothing. After he finishes making his coffee, he snarked at me, "What?" I told him he lied to me and he's been drinking. His immediate answer was NOPE! I asked who's been drinking it then? Did we need to talk to the boys? Have a family meeting???
I told him the bottle was marked because I thought I was going crazy. I said I was so proud of him because he said he wasn't drinking. He told me to "shut up" and I told him he can get mad and if he wants to get loud with me to go for it. I asked him again who's been drinking the wine. Then he said he uses it for cooking sometimes. I said, "You use red wine for cooking? Forgive me if I don't believe you. Now I'm dumping it out." And with that I proceeded to dump out that bottle and the white wine bottle for cooking we had in the fridge. It should be noted that he has NEVER cooked with red wine, only white, in all the years I've known him. That's how I know it was a lie.
I texted my daughter and told her what happened. I couldn't believe it honestly. She said she would have dumped every last drop and being an alcoholic is not a good look, but being a lying alcoholic is even worse. Me dumping everything out won't matter. He's an adult and can just go buy more and hide it somewhere else. I'm so utterly disappointed.
My daughter's response had me in even more tears. She said, "I'm sorry you have to put up with this mom. I'm sorry that his addiction has hurt you and our family and I hope that one day he can overcome it, but right now he needs to acknowledge that his lying will not help any situation in your marriage or life." I go back to the part of me that knows this is a choice on some level. I am choosing to be here right now. I have my own reasons that I will not divulge here. I just need you, the reader, to know that I am aware that I am choosing this.
Our conversation continued with me telling her it was giving me flashbacks to a previous relationship I had with a severe alcoholic and all the lying and manipulation that occurred. I told her I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him when it comes to alcohol. That is a hard truth for me. She reminded me that he's not owning his shit. It's easier for him to spin it and manipulate me rather than accept HIS hard truth of being an alcoholic to the point he's taking sips and lying to me and his kids. Being an addict convinces you that somehow you can get away with it. She reminded me of how I used to eat alone in the car. No harm, no foul, right? She said he was thinking the same but didn't expect me to hold him accountable to the point of marking bottles. She's a very intelligent girl, my daughter. She also was in school for Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse a couple years ago. She was literally trained on exactly this.
I don't know what he expected was going to happen? What was he going to do when he drank it all? What excuse would he come up with then? Would that be the day he would tell me that he was going to dump all the alcohol? I will never know. "Secrets won't create success. And he ain't just lying to you but also himself. He's still grappling with whether he truly has a problem. He's trying to negotiate still being able to have a sip here and there, but it's like sugar to you, he'll spiral." Again, my daughter with her amazing viewpoint and understanding of the reality we're in. I am so blessed and thankful for her.
She proceeded to tell me there are 6 stages of addiction and the process of working your way out. Quickly, they are; precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. I see myself in those stages and I am currently on action for my own sugar/food addiction. I've been working my way through this shit instead of eating it. First time in my damn life I can say that. My health is what I'm shooting for. The weight loss is a bonus.
All I know is I'll be fine. I've known that since day one when all our marital problems began. Probably will end up better than fine when all is said and done. Spirit has been helping me for the past week and I didn't even realize it. Have you seen the movie What's Love Got to do With It? It's about Tina Turner and her relationship with Ike and music. At the end of the movie, she is chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo which means Devotion to the Mystic Law of the Lotus Sutra. I've been hearing this in my head and would find myself repeating it not exactly knowing why for about the past week. It happened again today when I was laying in bed after all the drama of the morning. This chant, come to find out, enables you to change your karma. It empowers you to take the reins of your destiny and transmute your grimmest suffering into ultimate happiness.
This is my new mantra. And I will continue choosing myself.