I'm up before 3 am with a terrible headache trying to avoid a migraine. I take Excedrin and then guess what? The caffeine kicks in and now I'm wide awake. Well, isn't this lovely! I get up, throw on some sweats, and find myself in my office space at the computer. While trolling Facebook, I begin thinking about postings and true feelings and it was at that moment I said, "you fuckers!" to my guides.
You see, I know that I am supposed to be writing but I haven't felt compelled to do so in months. Sure, short little posts for social media here and there but not full on paragraphs of emotion. Writing has always been an outlet for me and has helped me release pent up emotions over the years. I have also helped others through my writing and was recently awoken to the fact that I need to be doing this again.
So here we are. Me and you and the keyboard. I am already emotional and I haven't a clear notion as to what about at this point. I can feel it in the center of my being and am seriously tearing up right now. Maybe my guides are reminding me of my soul's calling or something. I say it lightly but I obviously know how important it is to me or I wouldn't be so damned emotional about it. It's similar to my group and how emotional I got about that when I finally figured out the direction it was supposed to go in. FYI, the group can be found at www.facebook.com/groups/loveyourbrokenpieces
And just like that, I'm full on crying. And I am fully aware of why. I am blessed and oh shit the dam has burst and the tears are flowing! There is no use trying to control them until I get these words out. Gah!
Every day I deal with people who struggle with life and meeting their basic needs. They are vulnerable and sometimes lashing out, treating others like shit. It's easy to attack when vulnerable and I can understand that even if I don't condone it. I have been in those shoes and it is a hopeless place to be at times. Worrying about jobs, how to pay your bills, what food you can buy or how you will manage to raise a child on your own is beyond exhausting. I came out on the other side of that hopelessness years ago and honestly never thought I would be in the position I am in today.
Let's just be real though. I have my basic needs met and then some. I don't have everything I want but I have everything I need and there should be something to say for that. I have food, shelter, and clothing which is more than what some of the people I deal with during each day/week/month can say. I have reliable transportation and more than one job if I'm being honest. I am a mother, wife, and friend and don't count my blessing quite often enough.
Maybe that's what this is all about, counting blessings. Listen, I don't need to go to church to know that I am blessed but I definitely don't think about my life in a positive manner most days. I've become jaded over the years and have found the negative about life has stayed with me and on some days seems stagnant. I need to change that.
Today I am thankful for how far I have come and how much I have grown. I am thankful for the humans that bless my world and have helped me in that process. Some have loved and others have not, both equally important in my quest to understand myself. I am thankful for abilities I have developed and spirits that have aided me in that. Above all I am thankful for a life of opportunities that should I choose to accept will help me embark on the next chapter in this journey of mine. Something big is coming. I can feel it. I have the image of being at the base of a mountain and while I'm not excited about the climb, what's on the other side is beautiful.