I know I should write. I just don't feel motivated to ever. I get these amazing urges and things to discuss and very random times and by the time I actually get to the computer, I've lost the umph.
And here we are again. I literally have multiple topics, life events, situations running through my head at random times. I left this as a "draft" like I have two others, trying desperately to find the motivation to pour my heart out. And then today, it happened. Maybe the universe heard my cries. I posted the following in a group I'm in; a short synapses of my life.
Hey ya'll, I'm one of your moderators. I realize most of you don't know me and we need to change that. (literally having heart palpitations preparing to write this. geezus.) L O N G post...
Anywho, back to my story. It's not fair to just bring you into my story now so we're going W A Y back. I've healed a lot of what I'm about post and some things still sting but I'm forever a work in progress.
I was molested by two children (they were minors too albeit much older than I) of friends of my parents when I was 4 years old. Unfortunately, my parents remained friends with that family for some time after all that (yes they knew). It wasn't until my adult life that I saw where my parents failed me.
I confused sex and love as a teen and was only 14 (almost 15 as if that matters) when I had my first intimate relationship. I'm not saying he didn't love me. I'm saying I looked for love everywhere I could get it except myself. Him and I are still in contact to this day by the way and I remain friends with his family.
By age 16 I met my first husband and father of my daughter. I do not recall the first time he hit me and trust me I have searched every corner of my brain. It was admittedly traumatic and my brain just refuses to drudge that up again. I lived 7 tumultuous years with that man and have a beautiful daughter because of it. No regrets.
Age 22 I met my ex & current husband. I said that right. We married, divorced, and are remarried. There's no shame here. I regret nothing. We have 2 beautiful boys and weren't growing together so we divorced. 2.5 years later we got back together and a short time later remarried.
Age 29, lost my favorite human in the whole world, my grandma. It was gut wrenching & terrible to have to learn to live without her. Little did I know that my gift was right around the corner.
I don't read cards (can't. Tried and failed miserably. However, I do trust them when I pull cards for myself. And I know some pretty amazing card readers. Just sayin). I see, hear, and feel spirits. I am a psychic medium in addition to all my other titles (mom, friend, wife, co-worker, manager of my husband's business, etc.) It's simply a part of who I am now.
Here's what I can tell you: life is hard. There is no manual. Shit happens and sometimes there will be a struggle to see the good. When I first opened to my gift as an adult I was embarrassed, ashamed, and downright terrified. I could barely say the words psychic medium let alone believe it myself. So I said it, repeatedly. Actually what I said was that I talk to dead people but whatever, right? LOL I had to teach myself that who I was meant owning just that and not being embarrassed by it. It is truly a gift and I can now see it as such.
What I've seen in this group is a bunch of fighters who don't quit. I am proud to say I among some of the bravest individuals I've ever come across. I didn't know when I joined just how much I would need to be here, even if I was kicking and screaming in my mind for part of this journey. You've just got to show up so here I am. ☮️&💟~Sandy
The responses have been...interesting. I said interesting because it is very eye opening to see yourself through complete strangers eyes. The word fighter appeared more than once and brave. Really?! That seemed so odd to me. Why? I don't view myself that way. I view myself as someone who owns her truth even if it makes her voice shake and her body tremble. I never even considered that was brave, not once. I'm simply so happy to be on the other side of some of those things I posted I didn't think of anything else.
Obviously, what I posted isn't my whole life story but you get the gist. I've been through some shit as have we all. I no longer apologize for any part of my life. I accept the good, the bad, the downright ugly, all as a small piece of making me into the amazingly beautiful woman I am now.
Find your voice. Whisper at first if you must and then blow the roof of the place with your roar! You will get there. It's personally taken me years to find my own and it's beyond liberating!