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February 6, 2020

We're about to get real personal. If you know me outside of this group, this is a TMI but it's fucken bothering me and I need to talk about it.

My husband and I haven't been intimate in over a month. I've tried to look past it. I've tried to give hints. I've blatantly told him. I even tried to be seductive and the minute I licked his neck, he pulled away.

I'll be the first to tell you my husband works his ass off every day. He's self employed repairing leaking basements. This requires hauling buckets of gravel and 50 lb bags of concrete up and down flights of stairs. He holds a jackhammer all day. He's been in this line of work for 16 years now so this is not new. It's very physically demanding and exhausting and I totally understand. I work my day job at a desk. While it is not very physically taxing, it is mentally stressful and I, too, can find myself exhausted after work. These are the lives we chose with the jobs we do and they should not be excuses for why we aren't intimate but they sure do get in the way.I can't exactly describe how this is all making me feel. I was feeling very lonely, missing my connection with him, up until he pulled away from me. He did that before we divorced (we've been married, divorced and are now remarried for those of you who don't know me) and it was the beginning of the end when that started. So now this one simple act has drudged up all those emotions. At the same time, I feel abandoned, hurt, disappointed, unloved, ashamed...I'm literally running the full gamut here.I don't even want to share space with him. It sucks because there's nothing that I want more but I can't for fear of even more rejection. How fucking horrible a feeling!! I tried to bring it up again tonight and I could just tell that it wasn't going anywhere and he was looking for an excuse.It's really hard not to feel some sort of resentment at this point. I'm trying my damnest to be a grown ass woman but come on!! Sex is a vital part of a marriage and this is getting old!Fingers crossed that I can pull my head out of these emotions and grow from this. Old patterns are starting to repeat and I hate it. 🤞☮️💟

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