Every damn day is a struggle. Let me say it again...every damn day is a struggle. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I fight. I fight with myself, my past, my demons. I fight to recognize that I am worthy, I fight to love myself, and I fight to accept that I am enough.
I'm positive I'm not alone as the world is catapulted into unprecedented times at lightning speed. Everything seems amplified and it's either one way or another with no in between. Friendships have been ended over views as everyone lashes out at loved ones out of fear.
Fear not my friends. Spirit always interrupts me with their love when I'm on a downward spiral. "You can't be without" they say. "That's impossible". It's true. We always have what we need. We always are enough. Yet we still continually doubt ourselves and our value to this world.
I'm a psychic medium. Wow, isn't that crazy?! I never in a million years thought I would say that but it's true. Yet here I've been not really able to trust that it's real or that I'm really able to speak with souls whom have left the physical plane of existence. I've always thought it was some weird thing that just happened now and again until I learned how to really harness my gift.
I recently had a big shift in how I feel about that part of my life. It happened during a group reading and I can't even explain it. It was something cosmic for sure because I have never been so sure of anything in my life!! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is part of my soul and my soul's journey on this earth.
I still struggle with my body image. I still struggle with my weight. Just tonight in fact I've been overwhelmed by a shitty human who wanted to talk to anyone who would listen about himself and how he was so smart and clearly anyone that wasn't him wasn't. I HATE people like that. So I sat and thought about why I was so triggered by that. I hate people making others feel inferior because it happened to me too many damn times. It inflicts pain and trauma depending on the person and the situation.
And the tears have escaped my face and I feel like a child. I am now fully aware of how deep that wound is. My chest is tight with anxiety. Boy it's a doozy!! And so I sit with this disgusting shadow of a feeling when all I want to do is numb it and eat some damn ice cream. That's how I have dealt with terrible emotions my whole life (well, since I was 4 or 5). I ate them. I stuffed them down so I could go on with my life and not have to feel them. Food became the cure for negative emotions. Sigh.
Crying made it a little better. It's so crazy to literally feel like a child, crying, with no ability to stop the pain or understand where it really came from. It wasn't like some moment flashed before my eyes. My guess is there were multiple moments in which I was made to feel less than. I could think of a few quickly just gazing into my past. So much healing yet to do. So much.
I am good enough. I am sexy enough. I'm damn sure smart enough. And you are too my friend. Sit with the pain. I'll sit with you. We can cry together.