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I Thought of You Today

I thought of you today and for the first time I didn't cringe.  I didn't have the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach reliving our relationship. Instead, I thought of you fondly and how much you changed my life for the better. Today, I knew I had healed.

I can't go into detail about the relationship as there are and forever will be parts of my life that will remain private. Perhaps one day I will reveal all but today is not that day.  I do know now that I am enough. It took me some time to heal from the wounds of our time together but I did it. I found the love within myself and someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved; unconditionally.

I need to be clear.  I live with no regrets.  Every decision I made about us including the good, the bad and the downright painful was intentional. Even toward the end of our time together some big decisions were made and I do not regret a single thing. All of our moments are part of my story and I am not ashamed.

You see, I love you.  I always will.  Bullshit aside I had some of the best times with you and I learned so much about myself during the process. There's no possible way I could regret us because I grew so much, however painful it may have been. And painful it was, too often, but we all make choices and some of mine were made to stay and experience that pain.

It's hard to look back and admit to myself that I intentionally allowed you to hurt me.  That is part of my truth and I must own it. Hurt as it did, I needed that experience to learn and I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything.  I wouldn't be the person I am now without it so I thank you.

Should you ever come across this blog one day, I hope you know that I appreciate you, all of you, even the parts of yourself that you're not proud of. I see a beautiful soul in you that just came here with different plans than I.  While we were part of each other's stories, we weren't meant to continue this life with one another and I know that now.  Holding so tightly to you only prolonged the inevitable.  I know I left claw marks and I'm sorry.  

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