Excerpt from MY STORY... "My story is full of self hate and loathing from early childhood and on. I was molested at the age of 4 by the male children of really good friends of my parents. My parents, the ones who were supposed to protect me as their child did not. They repeatedly put me back in harms way by remaining friends with that family and leaving me alone at their home and with those same children. This was after a fight ensued the night of said molestation."
I need to stop and really work through this. So many times in my life I feel like I've worked through this yet I still struggle with the little girl that never felt good enough. That little girl is still afraid to be seen most times even as my adult self hurdles her in front of thousands on my page. That little girl is who this post is for.
I see you, little one. You're so frightened and feel so alone. How could you possibly know at the age of 4 what was right and what was wrong? I beat myself up on the daily about that fateful event. As an adult, it is so plain as day that you had no business getting the Q tips from the bathroom and lying to the female babysitter about it. That is the stress of reliving any childhood event through adult eyes.
You didn't know and that's where we are at. The boys involved in the event, one only a year older than you or so, must have been through some really wicked things to become the abusers at their ages. I'd like you to know that they were not aware of right versus wrong either. Again, that adult mindset makes it difficult to believe this but the reality is it's impossible. We must forgive them both and move on.
The real issue is not the event itself. We've relived that over and over and have moved past the negative energy it brought to our life. What we haven't moved past is the fact that our parents didn't protect us. THAT is what makes us feel unimportant, unworthy, and not lovable. THAT is what we carry around every. single. day.
I know you still can feel the firing range of anger and words that happened that night when the parents got home. I can feel it even now. Them and their three kids lined up on one side of the kitchen and us with our parents on the other. The screaming...dear God...the damn screaming! And to bring us into it as children was so unnerving. Exactly what good they thought would come from all that we will never know.
That was just the beginning though. The beginning of shame and self hate and feeling like a "bad girl." Four years old is so very young for such a life lesson young one. You deserved to be loved and protected even though you weren't. Your parents inability to do so is a reflection of them, not of you. It never was.
The whole idea that you were left to figure out all those negative emotions by yourself is truly heartless worsened by the fact that your parents did nothing to keep you out of harms way moving forward. It pains me to say that they remained friends with that family for years to come. They did not protect you. They were selfish and while that makes us feel squeamish to even type it is in fact the truth. They chose friendship over their own daughter's safety. The sexual encounters of different types would continue and for that my heart truly breaks for you young one.
The other family's parents were just as irresponsible as your own. Remember, there is no way those children would have even known such a thing at those young ages if not exposed somehow themselves. The sleepover night pretty much solidified that information. Waking up for breakfast and hearing the parents having sex is forever burned in our memory. There were those other times alone in the bedroom of one of the boys with the parents right outside the room talking while touching and petting were going on inside it. We knew at such an incredibly young age things about sex we should not have.
Us having lived those experiences made us become different. It sparked a curiosity making us the abuser as a child. That is harder yet to process with an adult mind knowing what emotional chaos we may have inflicted on at least one other person. We're releasing the shame and guilt today though. We have to because we keep coming back to this spot little one. We keep circling back to the idea that we are not worthy, not lovable, and not good enough all of which are lies we keep repeating over and over. We must stop that and heal.
It's time for you to release what is not yours to carry. Self-blame, denial, guilt, shame, mistrust, powerlessness, unlovable, not good enough...all of it! We are not a victim. We are a survivor. I hereby promise to protect you, love you, guide you, and always look out for your best interest. Little girl, today, you and I are one.