If you're not in my group on Facebook, you should be. I do way more talking in there now than I do blogging. I do a live once a week on Sunday nights and some at other random times depending on what I have going on in my life.
As of late, I've talked a lot about self love. It seems that I am being tested to completely love myself and it has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Why? Well, that's because I have always loved others instead of myself. Learning to feel your way through pain and trauma is terrifying and difficult yet I'm here to say it can be done.
I've eaten my feelings damn near my whole life. I poured love into my school work, my jobs, men and friends that were undeserving and the list goes on. I never even thought about loving myself. I was only interested in numbing the pain that I felt inside. I wasn't an alcoholic so somehow I thought I was ok. I never even thought about being addicted to food.
I am no better or worse than the next person with food addiction. I just was able to tell people that I hide in my vehicle to eat things that I know I shouldn't so no one could see me do it. If that's not addict behavior, I don't know what is. Sigh. It's not like you couldn't see it on my body. I've been overweight and unhealthy since I was about 5 years old, 40 years is a terribly long time to not love yourself.
If you've read any part of my story or know anything about me, I was molested when I was 4 years old. That event and the trauma surrounding it set the stage for the next phase of my life of not feeling adequate. There are other issues as well like not being protected by my parents after the event that just compounded everything.
I've tried and failed what feels like a million times to lose weight. I could always lose weight but I couldn't keep it off. It's only now that I understand why. I was putting a band aid on a bullet hole. I was only covering up the issues but not actually dealing with what caused me to eat in the first place. I could list all the things I've tried, right down to giving myself shots of HCG, but I also know there is trademark stuff for those diets and so I'll leave them out.
On October 14th this year, I decided I was going to move through the pain/inadequacy/trauma that I have been stuffing with food for years. I don't have a reason why I chose that date other than I bought myself a fit bit and refused to pay that much money for something and not do anything with it. I have to say that I do track my sleep, my heart rate, and sometimes my oxygen level when I feel like I'm doing too much. It was an investment that I have found worth in so if you're on the fence about getting one yourself, I say go for it!
I have cut out sugar from my diet entirely. When I say sugar I mean real sugar. I still use sweeteners as needed and find that even my use of those has diminished. Real sugar is a trigger for me and is the real drug. Sugar and carbs that act like it when I eat them. I am eating low carb at this point and have been avoiding most of the low carb versions of bread, tortillas and the like. I don't actually miss them. I am full on the food that I do eat and use lettuce as a vehicle in place of bread. I use pork rinds as a chip replacement if there is a dip that I want to eat. I am doing well and very proud of myself. Even when I get emotional, I don't shove my feelings down with food. I am much more in tune with my body at this point and Monday will be the two month mark. I will announce my weight loss then.
As for emotions, it seems that I am getting hit with it these days. I told a dear friend of mine that it feels like rock bottom and since no one is choosing me I'm left with no other choice than to do it myself. And it's not that I haven't been choosing myself, don't get me wrong. It's just that's hard to see when I'm bombarded with triggers over and over. These triggers reinforce my negative self talk of not being good enough and this time of year truly sucks for that I suppose. Holidays bring stress (I still don't exactly know why) and then a rocky marriage doesn't help that.
Before I go any further I need to tell each and everyone of you reading that we are all, individually, responsible for our own emotions and how we feel about things. It doesn't mean that when you experience an uncomfortable emotion that we lash out and blame, etc. It means that we take the time to sit with that emotion and understand why we feel that way. I'm going to give you my example here in the next lines.
I received a text yesterday letting me know that a family member was cancelling for Xmas at my house because she would be going to Florida with her boyfriend instead. Now that she is not coming, another family member will also cancel because the two of them come together every year. My inner child was ready for a full fledged tantrum. I was disappointed, hurt, angry, and sad all at the same time. You see, I only have Christmas at my house once every 10 years. I had it in 2000, 2010, and now 2020. I am no longer the person that lives the farthest away from everyone else but have always been prior to the past couple years.
I understand that this is a journey for a few hours of togetherness. I should know since I make it every year. I am 45 and have never missed a family Christmas, ever. That is important to me. I have prioritized it in my life. Sometimes it's the only time I get to see some of them, seriously. What I failed to recognize is that not everyone else put the same priority on it regardless of where it's held. It still rubs me the wrong way that this would be the year for people to back out since they would have to drive farther to get here. Sigh.
Before the text was received, someone else had already cancelled in October claiming work on the day we will celebrate. Again, priorities since I called Xmas at my house last Christmas so there was no confusion and plenty of advanced notice. Then the text yesterday cancelled two more. I sent a text to someone else alerting that person that these two others were not coming and that was yet another cancellation. We're up to five cancelled, including any plus 1's.
I cried about this several times yesterday and even while typing this I am still tearing up. There is no way out but through so I'm going to keep sitting with this until I heal that part of myself that feels how unfair this is. I need to make that little girl realize this isn't an attack but rather a recognition of where priorities are or aren't. I don't want the person who texted me to feel any differently and even if she did, it wouldn't change the way I feel about it. Go back and read the part where I said we are all entitled to our feelings. I will get over this eventually.
In the midst of all this Christmas stuff, I am also having a real shitty time in my marriage. I can only hold onto so much in regards to my feelings. It seems I can only hang on to one thing at a time. As soon as I found out about the Christmas deal, I just wasn't able to contain my feelings, not that I even should because letting them out is always the best policy. However, I finally confronted my husband about where we are at.
I told him about the text and said that our marriage is a mess. I asked him why he doesn't talk to me and he just shook his head no which I have seen many times. He tries to play it off as I'm the one with a problem and nothing has changed on his end. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just finally seeing it for what it is. I told him people have suggested counseling but considering he doesn't talk to his wife I can't imagine talking to a complete stranger would be of interest to him. And he said absolutely nothing. Zero, zilch, nada. I told him if he came at me with the "it's good enough" I was liable to throw something at him. That got his attention yet he still said nothing. And I was done. That was it. I told him I didn't even want to be in the same room with him. I gave him the remote and said I didn't fucken care if he changed the channel or deleted everything that was recording. And I didn't even raise my voice. Exhausted and just completely done. I was in bed by 7:33 pm last night.
When I finally got up for the day, he wasn't on the loveseat as he had been the two times I got up in the middle of the night to pee. I checked outside and both vehicles were in the driveway. I checked the kids rooms and he wasn't there. I assumed he was in the extra bed in the basement. Since I'm working from home, I work from the basement so I would inevitably see him. Well, he wasn't there either. Then I looked around the rest of the basement. Nothing. After about 30 minutes with no sign of him, I went out into the garage. I was checking my car, opened the back door to see since I have tint and the garage was mostly dim. Nope, not there. I noticed the garage door was still locked. As I was walking around my car, I saw him on the floor, covered with a comforter from head to toe, underneath him just a piece of plywood, behind the snow blower. It should be noted that our garage is not heated and at this hour of the morning the temps are around 30 degrees outside of an enclosed structure.
I went over to him, saw that he was breathing (because honestly I had some pretty scary thoughts running through my mind) and proceeded to yell/talk to him. I told him to get up. I told him this was one of the most mature things I've ever seen him do. I said I knew he was cold and that he needed to get back in the house because I didn't kick him out in the first fucking place. And this is my life.
I know for many of my friends and family this will be hard to comprehend. We are a couple that people tend to gravitate to but this is the harsh reality of no communication in a marriage. And once again I am forced to love myself even harder than yesterday when I thought I was at my lowest. He is not choosing me. Some of my family members aren't choosing me and so I must choose myself. I don't know what else to do. I can tell you that had he not come into the house I would have called the police for assistance. I am only responsible for myself and do not want to be a mother to my husband.
And so as I move this rather tumultuous time in my life, I will continue to let go of all this negative self talk and just focus on myself and choosing myself. I cannot allow what everyone else chooses to impact whether or not I choose myself and you shouldn't either. It's rather badass to heal yourself and stand strong in your own body and position and know that you've made it. While my journey is undoubtedly not over, I am weeding out some really ugly and old emotions and making room for new ones.