May 22, 2020
Today, I'm in the office for the first time in 5 1/2 weeks. No one is around except one other person. Walking in this morning almost brought me to tears. There is no life here; no excitement. The laughter and camaraderie that once filled these corridors is gone. The silence is deafening. This is the "new normal" everyone keeps talking about. No one can be close anymore. There are no people here, let alone chatting in each other's office. No one is going on break together. There are no gym dates any longer in the wellness room. We can't come back because there is not yet a plan in place for our safe return. It's been 2 1/2 months since most people have been here and I'm just going to guess we have another 1 1/2 - 2 to go yet. This whole situation that has occurred has stretched the great divine within relationships for me personally. I've seen it happen to others but I cannot speak on their realities, only my own. I have been trying for weeks to heal a hole I have in my heart over a relationship gone awry. I know what the problem is and even know why I am reacting in such a way to it yet I don't know what to do about it. I haven't come up with a way to fix it. Sitting here alone, all my bottled emotions just hit me when I was mulling it over once again. I realized that I just wanted to curl up and cry. I assumed I had been dealing/tolerating this new so called normal as best as anyone else. I don't sleep sometimes but that is simply my history. I was seemingly unaware of how utterly sad I am. I miss life the way it used to be. I miss seeing my coworkers every day, I miss hanging out with people outside of work, and I mostly miss peace to be honest. I miss my grandma who hasn't even been here physically for 15 years but I just want her to hug me with one of those hugs that just makes you feel safe and loved and you'll automatically feel better because of it. But I have to heal myself and I'm pissed off and sad because I don't know how. There is so much hate being displayed in our world right now and I actually understand it. I can understand the lashing out because of fear. It doesn't mean that I agree with it but I can understand it. Most of us have childhood wounds that we've never healed and our inner child is afraid and kicking and screaming because of it. If you want to see numbers rise, find a news report and there will be one. If you want to see proof that numbers are padded, find a news report and there will be one. Someone is lying and that divide just continues to grow. In the meantime, here we are. We're stuck in the middle of the sides. Some want the economy open and some don't. The fight is never ending. And it's exhausting. It's exhausting to try to be the damn light for people all the time. It's exhausting to witness day in and day out so much hate if you aren't in agreement with someone else and what s/he believes. I just have to listen to my soul at this point and take a break. I need nature. I need quiet. I need 1 million times less social media and fake news. And so it shall be. I'll figure out what my own new normal looks like and I can do without the shaming from anyone else about it. I'm a tough ass Taurus and I can and will get over this. Until I figure it out, I'll just be leaning into myself for awhile.