Updated: Dec 29, 2020
I'm not happy in my marriage. There, I said it. Does that mean I'm not happy in my marriage all the time? No. That means that I am not currently happy in my marriage and I'm trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.
My husband and I live in cycles. If you paid close attention to any of your relationships, I bet you would find the same to be true. Old habits are hard to break, especially when past trauma has not been healed. You'll see that even friendships go in cycles. It's all a give and take from both parties. The problem starts when there's more giving or more taking from either side.
Balance is required for most things. It's said to eat a balanced diet, get enough sleep, take vitamins, exercise, have a good work vs. home life balance. Well where is all the advice when you've been under quarantine for months and there is a magnifying glass over everything? Here's the advice I have for you; sit with it.
I'm not big on traditional meditation. It's never really been my thing in the sense of sitting motionless for hours. My meditation comes when I'm driving, or in the shower, or even now while typing this blog. It's a way for me to process all the shitty emotions coming at me, especially after I just yelled at my husband and smacked the counter no less.
Why? Why did I get so angry? A couple of reasons. I don't deal with hurt very well. I never have. I shield and protect and don't let people too close because then the chances of me getting hurt are reduced. I know that may sound odd to those of you who know me outside of this blog because I wear my heart on my sleeve but I have limits.
One thing I do understand and deal with is anger. You see anger is hurt's best friend. Anger is the bouncer for hurt, defending hurt at all costs. It is easier to let the bouncer deal with the issues rather than let the issues in and you must work through them and solve the problem, right? Think about when men/women fight over one another. You see them angry, lashing out in a rage. Guess what? Hurt sent anger to deal with the pain of rejection, not feeling good enough, and the inevitable question of am I unlovable?
I woke up this morning having spent my second night alone in the bedroom thinking about all the cycles and how I had enough. Nothing gets resolved if you're constantly going in circles. I thought I could talk from my heart space as a dear friend had explained to me. I had all these calm and beautiful things I was going to say. I wanted there to be no distractions such as a phone or the tv. The moment presented itself and what started ok, crashed and burned almost instantaneously.
I started out by saying that I wasn't happy, and the knee jerk response was "yeah" and not out of love but more like yeah, whatever. I said, "you should be concerned that your wife isn't happy and you shouldn't be mad at her for how she feels". I wanted to be able to talk to him without him getting angry and it was clear he was already irritated. Remember what I said...anger is hurt's best friend.
I continued. I said that I missed being intimate with him and I missed our connection and at that moment he lashed out at me saying "I've been feeling like shit and you know that!" Yep, I absolutely do but if you see during our conversation thus far, I have said nothing of his shortcomings or how he has contributed in any way to my unhappiness directly. We don't have sex. We haven't been intimate in well over a month. I wholeheartedly understand that he has been having back issues. That does not negate the way I feel about missing intimacy or a connection with him.
After he told me he felt like crap, I responded with the fact that we're living in cycles and I don't like it. He drinks while I hide in the basement (he stays in the living room). He said, "who told you to go to the basement"? And ya'll I think my head flew off at that very moment because I lost my shit. I screamed, not yelled, screamed at him! "I don't want to be around you when you're fucking drinking all the time!!" and with that I slapped my hand on the counter, yelled dammit, opened the door to the basement and told him to fuck off while I proceeded to cry my eyes out in nowhere else but the basement.
And now I'm here, letting it all out because it's the only thing I can do. We've literally solved nothing, and I know I can't speak to him because anger is on board and she's fucking pissed! Of course, she is. Hurt called her in because protection of the heart is needed, again. My inner child is hurt right now. Every time some shit comes up and I work through it, I always feel like I'm done healing my inner child but be damned if the hurt isn't endless. So where does this all come from? My grandpa.
Stay with me as I explain that through my tears of trying to figure these cycles I have with men that drink (doesn't matter how much or how little. Alcohol is simply a trigger for me) I saw my grandfather. He was an alcoholic. He drank Pabst until the cows came home, were milked, and in bed for fucks sake. And my grandma tolerated him and to me, my grandma was my everything. I loved her so much and still do even though she's been gone physically for over 15 years now. My grandpa was the male role model in my life.
My grandparents were my world. I was an only child and had an uncle similar in age to me (my mom was young when she had me and my grandma had her last child a year and 4 months after I was born) and spent a lot of time with them at the cottage. People would stop over to hang out with my grandpa and I'm pretty sure most if not all of them were also alcoholics.
My father was an alcoholic too. He worked two jobs and was an emotionally unavailable man. I don't have many memories with him but the ones I do have all involve alcohol. How fucked up is that? The male role models that I grew up with were alcoholics. My grandma did not drink. My mom didn't really drink either, until the divorce and having now been through a couple myself I can relate to the escape. My mom is not a drinker by nature and neither am I. The one thing all the matriarchs have in common is food being the drug of choice rather than alcohol. We just picked a different poison.
Oh my God I feel gross. I have feelings that I'm unattractive or unlovable in some way. If you know my story then you also know I was molested when I was 4 years old which is where some of that comes from because I can feel it. I chose food to numb that pain and have chosen food ever since then.
I don't know where I go from here. Sitting with these feelings of self-hate and unlovability makes my insides feel dirty if that even makes sense. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to help that little girl that is cowering in a corner. It's not ok to keep being triggered in such an unproductive way. Sigh. I just don't know.
The biggest thing I want you to take away from this is that it's ok to not know what to do. Not everyone has their shit together and it's important for you to know that too. Too often we compare our lives to those around us and think that we must be doing something wrong because so and so's lives are so much better. That's bullshit so don't do that to yourself. In doing so you miss out on happiness in your own moments.
I'm sure I've been rambling on endlessly and I'm finally ok with that. I need to write to get shit out. That's my thing. That's my meditation. It doesn't give me all the answers but it helps clear the road amidst the feelings so I can at least try to navigate. Love yourself. You're the most important person and you deserve love.