I've been in a real shitty mood for days. I was angry and sad and raising my voice for no damn reason. Facebook was overwhelming with the great divide of people in regards to the virus, pitting friends and family against each other. I'm stuck in a house with my husband and we're at odds with each other which doesn't prove to be a good fucken time either. My world was crashing down around me and I didn't understand why or what the hell to do about it.
So I logged out. Well, actually, I deactivated knowing that I was being attacked energetically and all the negativity I was seeing wasn't helping. I just couldn't separate it from myself. I went to get groceries and I took my time. I mean, I have nowhere to be anyway, right? I came home and spent some time listening to music from the 50's and 60's and doing my current paint with diamonds art. (If you haven't looked into those they are fantastic! They're like puzzles but better; time consuming yet satisfying) And for the first time in a month, I went to bed and slept through the night. I can't even begin to explain what sleep has done for my soul Gah, I wish I could sleep like that all the time.
What happened to me when I turned of Facebook was loud. There really isn't any other way to describe it. My thoughts and the conversations with Spirit were just that; loud. So many things were being presented to me at the same time I could barely make sense of it. Here's what I figured out though. I was being brought through some more shadow work. I hadn't listened to the small things so they threw it all at me at once. My soul contract must have been just a bunch of scribbled lines all the over place considering how much I don't listen when they talk until they yell. That stubborn Taurus ass of mine...sigh.
All the negativity of the world was a reflection of the shadow within me. The negativity that I put out to myself and others whether consciously or unconsciously. It was all being shown to me so I could work my way through the garbage and trust me there is a ton! Things were coming up from past relationships, from family, from my current life and all simultaneously. What a shit show! But you know what? It has been amazing at the same time.
I've learned quite a few things at lightning speed. I couldn't understand why I was so triggered about things and differing opinions. The fact of the matter is that I was silenced for many years and now that I've found my voice, I can't keep it quiet. Problem for me is I have to be careful that I've not gone from one extreme to the next and I need to remember to be rational and kind and I'm pretty sure I've messed that up more than a few times lately. While it's important that I use my voice, I also don't want to be cutting with my tongue at the same time.
I am also an empath who wasn't shielding and in turn I was sucking up everyone else's garbage including my own. That's one of the worst things one could do. It's like being a vacuum for yourself and everyone else. We all know how quickly a vacuum bag gets filled. I was literally bursting at the seems with darkness.
I had forgotten my role; the role I chose when I created Love Your Broken Pieces. Was I really able to help anyone in their journey in any capacity? Absolutely not. I could barely help myself. And this is the journey...my journey. I must work through my darkness to help others with theirs. A comment I read yesterday about cutting people off that didn't agree with that person's opinion literally hurt my heart and I was going to quiet my own voice because of it. That's some triggering shit now isn't it? That's what I've done for many years. Not anymore.
I had to figure out that my voice is just as important as that friend's voice. We can agree to disagree and I can wish that person love and light as I move forward, sadly knowing that the relationship there will forever be changed. I must use my voice in the way I intend to use it and not let others low vibration frequencies suck me in. I am ascending and that means I may lose people along the way which sucks but I'll be damned if I remain where I was. Spiritual growth for me is a must.
I wish I could put into words how amazing I feel this morning. 1000 times better than I have in days, well, probably more like weeks actually. The past few days just got so amplified it was hard to see anything positively. I have worked through some real ugly shit and while I know there is more to do I feel blessed. I have come such a long way in recognizing who I am as person that if I were to see my past self walking down the street, I know I wouldn't recognize her. She was timid and afraid of so many things. She didn't look people in the eye out of fear that they would see something they didn't like or harm her in some way. That poor girl and the trauma she's lived through. We have come so far.