June 30, 2020
Been awake for an hour already. Woke up in the middle of the night with a brewing headache so I staved it off with my headache pill of choice. There happens to be caffeine in those pills so here I am, wide awake. I'll crash in about 2 hours and wish I had tried to force myself to rest. And so is my life. At least I got a couple good hours. Sigh.
What happens when I don't sleep? I wake up to lots of different thoughts, situations on replay, situations yet to come. And this morning, a song. Most days I wake up with a song and don't even realize it until I find myself singing the lyrics or humming them. This morning's song is by Pebbles, "Why do I believe?" This song was recorded in 1990 mind you. And this is my relationship with spirit. Those lyrics by the way:
A feeling in my heart Has taken over me, completely And boy you are the star, to come into my life You can take me Of all the guys i've ever known They've never been as wonderful So special and so sweet to me And all the dreams I've ever dreamed No one has been as good to me And you're the one to answer my dreams [Chorus] Why do I believe that I belong to you? How can I explain this symphony? As far as I can tell, my heart's under a spell And you're the only one, the only one for me [Verse 2] I feel you in my soul Your hearts caressing me, so deeply I'm under your control You're all I ever need, you can use me Of all the times I've been alone No one has been as beautiful So strong and understanding to me And all the ways that I could see No one has been as good for me And you will always be the one for me [Chorus] Why do I believe that I belong to you? How can I explain this symphony? As far as I can tell, my heart's under a spell And you're the only one, the only one for me [Chorus] Why do I believe that I belong to you? How can I explain this symphony? As far as I can tell, my heart's under a spell And you're the only one, the only one for me [Outro] And you're the only one... The only one for me For me....for me... The only one for me...
The 90's were some very volatile times for me. I was in high school in 1990 and dealing with my parents divorce and my personal relationships with not only myself but with others. Wow, looking back is eye opening with a mind so much more aware. I always chose others, putting them first instead of myself. What a terrible pattern and yet I knew no better. The trauma I had experienced up to that point made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unstable. I pleased everyone else to have some semblance of normalcy and to keep things status quo. This carried into my adult life as well.
I had a boyfriend, someone who remains close to my heart even now. It's irresponsible to say that anything in my life was perfect, including him or me for that matter. We were young and didn't know much about life at that point because how could we? Reliving the relationship is bittersweet. I had some of the most amazing times and yet there is heartbreak and loss as well. I would imagine anyone's first relationship to be that way. I can only speak from my point of experience on this however.
Spirit is enjoying replaying my past most recently. The more I try to turn it off, the more comes crashing in. I'm just going to step out on a limb here and say there's healing work to be done there. In fact, I know there is. It's a part of my life that I had sealed off really in the emotions department. I only looked back on the good times and shut out the bad. Some of the situations I put myself in back then make me thankful that I was always safe. Not everyone I hung out with was an upstanding citizen to say the least. Still, had some of the best times. And here I go shutting out the bad again. Sigh.
You know I've healed a lot of really big wounds over the years. This is clearly one that needs a lot of healing. My teenage years had a lot of upheaval. I was forced to witness my parents physical fights, had to move to a different city away from all my friends while my parents divorced, got into some trouble there, became sexually active, had my diary read to every family member and friend by my mom after she got her hands on it, and then had to move in with my emotionally unavailable father until right before I graduated. And those were just the bigger moments. And even with all that said, it's the boyfriend from this time period that I need to review and heal. All the rest is just background noise at this point.
Spirit will never lead me to it unless they know I can handle it, even if my rational mind thinks they have lost it and am sending me to burn on the stake! LOL They only want what's best for me and have never led me astray which is more than I can say for most people I've had contact with. And the song just plays over and over and over...Why do I believe that I belong to you?